I got told.
I got tolllllllllllld!
Whooooo wow did I get told!
I got told so badly that I went through the 7 stages of grief (shock & denial, pain & guilt, anger & bargaining, depression, reconstruction, and finally acceptance & hope).
When the Universe has had enough, it’s had enough.
And the Universe had had enough with me.
Enough putting on a show.
Enough going through the motions.
Enough holding onto parts of myself that didn’t belong anymore.
Enough being in denial about what no longer fits.
Enough that we will burn this facade down to the ground so she HAS to start over.
The Universe was so done with me getting their message wrong, and I was so blithely unaware of just how wrong I was getting it, that it took a metaphoric mine to blow it all up in my face and get my attention because I was badly out of alignment. Sitting in my kitchen one morning last spring, scrolling through my emails and social media, I received a very kind yet with firm boundaries message letting me know that I was using content, that I had paid for, but not for the way in which I was using it.
OH NO!!!!! YIKES!!!!
Oh that felt shitty!!!! So shitty that I had a feeling of dread flow from the top of my head down to my toes. Noooooooo!!! Oh my gawd! What do I do??? How do I make this right???? I don’t know about you, but I take making mistakes HARD! The crazy thing is, making mistakes is how we learn! And, trust me, I got learned.
I immediately removed the content and sent a sincere and honest apology. “My mistake, truly not an intentional misstep. Thank you for letting me know. Won’t happen again!”
Continuing with honesty, because I’m human and inherently flawed, I’ll admit that I did take it personally at first. “I am a good person who made a mistake, thank you very much!” (Insert huffy voice here). Though deep down I knew that it wasn’t personal at all, that was just my ego lashing out, licking her wounds, and having a pity party. The email message was in the right, I was in the wrong, and now I can look back and say thank you to that person for standing firm in their boundaries. Really! I am so grateful because I had to take stock of what I was currently doing and what my options might be moving forward.
“So what do I do now?” Again with the doing Katrein????? Sigh…
“Maybe I could look into paying an extra fee to keep using the content, or a new contract, or even create new content!”
“Did I even want to?”
As soon as that thought came into my consciousness I gasped out loud, because this part of me used to be my whole identity once and had significant meaning for me.
Whooo hooo hooo hoooooooooooooo! WOW!
If what I was doing didn’t have meaning anymore, not even enough for me to want to spend the time, energy, or the money to tend to it and keep it going, then - what? Was it time to let go and drop it for good?
WOW! Oh wow….
You see, It didn’t matter WHAT I was doing, the WHY of it mattered and all of my doing for the past three months had nothing to do with the why the Universe had asked me to focus on - building up my inner confidence as a whole and not using the small parts of me that felt confident as crutch. Stubbornly, I had been dredging up pieces of my past and old parts of myself that had made me feel confident before, because I missed how confident I used to feel, even though I can look back at it now and see that maybe it was more bravado than confidence. At the heart of the matter I was scared to start over and the Universe knew that and told me in its infinite wisdom that being scared is no longer an excuse and I was no longer allowed to go down this road anymore.
You know that moment when you realize that what you believed to be true was no longer true and because you are now aware of it you can’t pretend anymore? I’ve had that with past relationships before - that moment when you realize this is just not working and we need to break up.
It was time for me to break up with the music industry, for good.