"You're Looking At Me" - Diana Krall
The more time I spent with myself, the more I realized i had no idea who I was outside of my identities.
All of these identities and roles that I donned to boost myself up because I didn’t know who that self was or if she was even good enough as is.
My self worth was a shantytown of beliefs, built with leftover materials and scraps, put together is a slapdash fashion, ready to fall down at the slightest storm.
And a storm was coming.
Ready to blow it down and level it.
As much as I thought I had been putting myself out into the world I was still hiding - afraid.
Afraid to share my thoughts, feelings and ideas in a public arena.
Hiding behind the symbolism of songs or the imagery of instagram posts.
I was ready to strip everything away and put myself at the the top of the list, willing to be an imperfect work in progress instead of a perfect version of who I thought I should be.
But being myself never felt like an appropriate choice, which wasn't helped by the many who were only too happy to let me know that I was too much, too loud, too “out there”.
One time, during an energy meridian reading, the practitioner paused and muttered “huh, that’s interesting.”
Dear gawd I was so tired of interesting.
“You, my dear, are a Queen.” (Not really! Strictly from an energetic/woo-woo place.)
To quote the film The Princess Diaries, “Just in case I wasn’t enough of a freak already, let’s add a tiara!”
I wanted to fit in and belong. I was tired of being different.
But fighting my “too much” personality was exhausting and I had finally wore myself out and surrendered.
But I was afraid of fully embracing it out of fear of the possible repercussions.
Tuning back in to my intuition, I got out of my own way and let the Universe show me the next step.
And what I found scared the shit out of me.