Do you ever get the feeling that sometimes the Universe just wants to face palm as a result of your actions?
I do, and I wonder just how frustrating I must be for the elements trying to work for my greater good. I mean, they had the grace and wisdom to share a very clear message with me, and yet somehow I managed to turn it into a cosmic game of telephone, because what I was doing was not what they told me.
Now, this really shouldn’t come as a surprise, I am stubborn. Hell, even my own coach told me I am the rebel archetype as in I won’t follow blindly. If it doesn’t make sense for me I won’t do it, or I have to make it my own. But sometimes as a result of my stubbornness I will create a smoke show, a Wizard of Oz “don’t look behind the curtain” situation, and end up fooling myself in the process. Going through the motions with lots of action for distraction purposes but not getting to the real work.
After coming home from Paris with this new revelation, and after I got over myself and the disappointment of not getting what I had hoped for, I took some time to figure out how I was going to do this.
This is where I went wrong.
The “how” is none of my business. (I’ll come back to this again later, sometime, promise) The kicker is I know this. I KNOW THIS! But I keep forgetting that the only thing that is my business is the WHY.
And I had my why!!!
To be confident in who I truly and wholly am, in every part, faults and all. My ONLY job was to focus on my why and listen to my gut for guidance.
But after so many years of needing to be right instead of paying attention to what is true for me - being told the brain rules over intuition because logic & reason, I can lovingly look back at the me in January and think “oh bless her heart.” Instead of listening, I became determined to treat this like another “to do” in order to get to the good stuff.
NEWS FLASH: the process is the good stuff even though it feels nothing like that in the moment.
In January, I stood in front of the fabulous souls at Achievement Club (you can check it out here). and declared how I was going to create a Paris Inspired Life and show up as my authentic self on social media. Stretching out of my comfort zone to be “seen” again. I had my little speech which I delivered with flair and sass and I felt really proud of myself.
“Yes”, I thought indulgently as I mentally patted myself on the back, “I’ve got this and I am going to rock at this because I am fabulous, and I love myself, and I am going to let myself shine again."
Smoke and mirrors ladies and gentlemen, smoke and mirrors.
Oh sure, my Instagram looked slick and pleasing to the eye as I celebrated the things that brought me joy. I even started to sing on my Instagram live feed. I felt great! “Yes! Here I am, doing the work! Look at how I am stretching my comfort zone. Yay me!”
This is where the Universe can be an asshole.
And I get it. I get it!
I brought this on myself and I can chuckle about it now but when I “get told”, my first reaction is not “Thank you!”, even though I am doing the work to hopefully reach this level of grace and self awareness and have it be my go-to reaction one day. Nope, my authentic reaction is usually an indignant inhale with an exclamation of “asshole” on the exhale.
Instead of gently, but firmly, intervening again, the Universe decided to grab some popcorn, sit back, and watch the show, thinking “this will be fun”, laughing occasionally (but mostly in frustration while shaking its head). Until eventually, after three months of watching me going through the motions of instead of doing the real work, the Universe finally had enough and said,
“Here, hold my drink. Watch this.”