A year ago I was in Paris, hoping to reconnect with a part of myself that had been missing for too long. Since 2014, I have been struggling to find my purpose. Looking for inspiration but finding lots of false starts. I feel like my truest self in Paris and I thought, surely, I will find the answer there! The last time I was in Paris I had such a startling revelation and up-leveling I was certain it would happen again.
Strolling through the city, I revisited familiar places and discovered new favourites all the while being open to receive anything that Paris was ready to share. I should have known better than to place expectations on a place such as Paris. Paris knows who she is and will not be dictated to. She is willing to share her magic but she has boundaries and owes us nothing. Paris will give you the experience you need, not necessarily the one you expect.
I found an answer all right, but not one that I was ready to hear:
You have small pockets of yourself where you are truly confident. And you try to focus only on those areas, ignoring the parts of you that need your care and attention. Until you do the work to feel confident in who you truly and wholly are, faults and all, we’re not sending you the big picture.
I felt cheated and pissed off! “I’m doing the work!”, I yelled in my head. “How dare you call me out like this! How am I supposed to motivate myself to allow change and growth when I have no clear picture of the end game?1?!?!?”
When my gut starts telling me to get back to my blog, then starts screaming at me, and then starts messing with my sleep, all I can say is, "I have no idea why I am supposed to do this, but I gotta”. And once I do, at some point, the next step will be revealed. And it will! Since last November, every time I have made the choice to do what my gut tells me, every time I navigate through the discomfort of growth and the grief of releasing, the next step always comes. BUT it RARELY makes sense and I have NO IDEA WHAT IT”S FOR!!
Sigh… as a recovering control freak, this drives me bat shit crazy on a daily basis.
So at the request of my gut, I’ll be blogging about this new scenic route with no clear destination. How things have unfolded for me and are changing for my greater good in ways that make me want to say “I don’t wanna, but I gotta, and I don’t know why”. And when people ask me (and they have asked me) “What’s all this for?” all I can say is “I don’t know, but at some point I will”.
Faith. Love. Trust.
The Universe is calling the shots and I’m just along for the ride.
Have I moved on from waxing lyrical about Paris? Never! I’ll always have Paris because she gets me in a way no other city has before. (Until now, but I’m getting ahead of myself.)
Next time… just when my stubborn ass started to think “I’ve got this”, the Universe throws me a curve ball.